TODAY’S NEWS: Reporting of Strange Activity Near Larry’s Happy Toy Motors!

I have some strange news for you! Late last night several citizens reported strange activity occurring around Larry’s Happy Toy Motors—you know, the shop just on the corner of West St. and Nearly West Rd., owned by Larry, who’s name is actually Westley. He traded with Larry after a certainly entertaining amount of competition between the shop and Westley’s Raging Car Wheels.

Back in the day, you could easily go early and camp out between the two streets to watch as the competition of clock-throwing began. It had to have been extremely time consuming (if you know what I mean), yet very entertaining to see. Not to mention the fact that the street was just wide enough to block off the road for nearly two days and camp in. You could get up really early and sleep the night away with complete strangers that you then knew had the same interest in entertainment as you. Those were very relaxing times. But it all has to end somewhere, and of course, with the number of government inspectors coming in and investigating North Nebrichigan’s land, we had to keep that road open for all of the cars. So, as police had it, they officially switched the owners of the shops, and now they only compete over text messaging. As which was planned.

Nowadays, we’ve heard many of these strange reports as I mentioned previously. No one yet knows why everyone asks for small, wooden wheels for such huge cars. Even Westley comments on the strange observation, “I don’t quite understand why, but maybe it’s because of those government representatives that discovered our land.” Westley explains the story of how those two men who discovered our small state bought smaller, more doll sized wooden wheels to fix their car, and remembered how effective they ended up being. “Maybe that’s why. Many must admire how they fit into the cars of such highly respected workers of the USA, so they must’ve tried themselves. ‘Thing is, they work amazingly in place of flat tires. Don’t know how Larry switched shops without puttin’ up some sort of fight. Hah.”

After a long conversation with Westley, we decided to interview some citizens who recently bought these wooden wheels to fix their car. “They’re amazing. Just stunning.  A toy? Nothing like that. This wheel ain’t toyin’ with me! Hahah.” Mr. FiggleSnapper, the husband of Mrs. FiggleSnapper (the community cat lady), had commented on the situation in defense of the shop, “Not to mention, they spin two different directions while you drive! Now ain’t that interestin’.”

Now this isn’t the only problem that we have. Many customers and passersby have heard low screeching from the alley down in between Westley’s shop and Five Highs Low Ties. Many have attempted to investigate further, and many have found various causes, but, as expected, they never returned. Those who have, lost their voices, and with some, their ability to lip sync. No one seemed to return with any information due to these situations.

No one will ever know the story behind these screeches . . . But for now, all who hear are expected to ignore it immediately and go on with their lives thinking of it as beautiful pitches of acapella, as Harry Rimesworth, president of North Nebrichigan, thought before so many investigators went missing. Who knows if that really is the case at hand. Until we know for sure, we shall block off that alley with signs that read, ‘Danger, Acapella Practice, Move on and DO NOT Trespass’. All citizens are to move on and at least be ten feet away from the alley in order to stop. Loitering is prohibited around that area, and anyone who stops even just for a moment will be taken to police HQ—if they do not disappear before police arrive to take them away, that is.

Remember citizens, it is only appalling Acapella that brings the disappearance of many who stop to investigate, only Acapella. Please report any more evidence of strange activity, and please do so in a legal position, such as standing at least ten feet away from the scene. Thank you.

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TODAY’S NEWS: It’s Legal Multitasking Day! (L.M.D.)

Happy Legal Multitasking Day (or L.M.D.)! If you don’t already know, Legal Multitasking Day is the time where you can multitask without punishment! So you better use this time wisely and enjoy it while you can, but remember to not get too much in the habit of it, because this day will be officially illegal by tomorrow!

Now I know this day sounds exciting, and it’s a considerably normal holiday that we have around this time each year, and I don’t know about you, but I always get questions from friends and family around this time of year asking things such as “Why is multitasking illegal?” and I do tend to wonder myself. So, I wrote a letter to the Francerland City Council, the Capital city of North Nebrichigan, asking that same question. They then replied a few days after, and told me some interesting reasons.

The first reason they gave to me was from previous experiences. They told me how many of their employees had been doing paperwork, selling, giving tours, etc., while also doing things such as texting, painting houses, solving puzzles, sneaking cats from Mrs. FiggleSnapper (the lady with 1,568 kittens), and peeking at social media. It became distracting, and much work was incomplete.

Another reason was how researchers found that one of the main reason crime rate goes up in other places is because of multitasking. Many people interviewed tend to enjoy using the bathroom while looking around for something to steal or someone to hurt, and the bathroom is an extremely powerful influence for ideas.

But no one really has to worry about these reasons during this day, because you get to multitask all you want! But please, remember to be careful, don’t increase crime rate, and be sure to hate multitasking to an extreme extent by tomorrow! Police will be checking all homes at 12:00 am tomorrow, so make sure you aren’t multitasking by then. Have a happy L.M.D.!

Friday May 23rd, known as Legal Multitasking Day in the state of North Nebrichigan

TODAY’S NEWS: Meat Murderer

Breaking News! I’m sorry to say that there is officially a MURDERER on the loose! Unfortunately, Investigators took a stubborn amount of time to crack and tell me what happened, but I finally proved a point to them.

At 9:32 am, about the time that the Billy’s Steakery opens, Steve Krilly, the founder and owner of the resturaunt, discovered a horrifying crime in his kitchen.

¨He’s been murdered! He’s gone!¨ Exclaimed Steve, ¨When I had come to unlock my resturaunt in time for opening, I looked in the kitchen and saw Jeffrey…MURDERED!! I finally called the police after my long cry, a – and… Oh Jeffrey!!!!¨

¨Jeffrey was one of the best. Boss always loved him. But he told Jeffery to only come and bring a good taste behind on the most special of all special occasions,” Berald, one of the waiters commented, “He said no one could socialize with him. No one could even stare at him in awe..Except Boss. We couldn’t even smell him! I can’t believe he’s ‘Tastiest Cook of the Month’ if he barely came out half the time!”

After questioning witnesses and suspects, we finally came to a conclusion; the victim of this tragic murder is known as a steak, which makes this case even MORE tragic, horrifying, and upsetting! Oh but my dear Readers, please, calm down. The awful, SICK minded criminal who murdered such a wonderful special on the menu, shall be captured. We shall not rest until we find this steak murderer! Nor shall we sit down! And once we find the dreadful, inhuman, thing who did this, we shall execute all his fine meats and steaks!

I have some additional news. In the midst of writing this news article, I discovered a letter on my desk. I revealed it to my boss, and she said I should include it in this article. So, here it goes. I realize that it is a dangerous risk to reveal such a threatening, horrifying letter to such a wide range of an audience, especially when the author of this note could be reading such news. If so, he or she has no reason to hurt me or anyone else whatsoever for the revealing of this letter.

It says…

Dear Amanda,

It appears you have discovered my crimes. It appears you have shared them with the world. It appears that I am okay with that. It also appears, however, that I am not okay with it. Even though no one has any idea who I am and I am quite proud of that. If you are the only one to ever find out who has done this then I shall have to take drastic measures. I don’t exactly know what those drastic measures will be… But I’m sure they will involve one of your most precious carrot cakes.

Insincerely,

Meat Murderer

 

P.S.

Why the name Jeffery?

This sent chills through my spine as I read it over and over again. I asked my boss to take it away once I read it about five times. I think I’m t-too scared to continue t-this story. But you can understand the situation, right? Well, until n-next time… If there is one for me….

Another Quick Update!

Once again, I have taken forever to post something! And I’m sorry. But no worries, it’s not because I’m slacking off, it’s because I am working on something even bigger for you! It may take a while to complete, so in the meantime, I’m going to post a few more articles so you won’t grow impatient! So, as always, sit back, prepare for laughter, and enjoy! 😀

TODAY’S NEWS: Mystery State? Government Miscount

       Breaking News! At approximately 2:37 PM, a couple of government representatives discovered a miscounted state as they traveled between Texas and Alabama.

       After two of their car tires broke down during the road trip, they asked for assistance from one of the citizens, Tom Smith, who luckily, was working in “Larry’s Happy Toy Motors” as an engineer.

 He says he is quite experienced, especially with the smaller cars, more doll sized.

       Once he had fixed the broken car with smaller, wooden tires (that he claims wouldn’t break), the two men thanked Tom, and finally asked him if he knew the name of the state they were traveling in. To their surprise, an unfamiliar name had been spoken.

       “North Nebrichigan, the 51st state!” Said Tom.

       The road trip was immediately canceled, and the representatives drove to the white house to see President Obama.

        “I recall two of my co-workers, Vincent and Van saying there was a 51st state. How could we not realize?” Obama inquired, “This is unacceptable! When was this absurd state founded? Is it even legally a state? If so, how in the world could I, nor anyone else know? This is the most unorganized country I have ever been in charge of!” The President seemed extremely upset, and immediately called Vincent, and another worker, Gogh, to tell him more about the situation.

        “Seriously people! Have you ever heard of a map? North Nebrichigan is riight…………………………………………………………………………There!” Margo Pollo, one of the citizens, pointed out on a map of the United States when being interviewed. There was a small dot about the size of a period on the map of which she pointed to. Beneath it had a small line that looked like a scribble, but once geologists brought in a microscope, they looked at the scribble just between the border of Texas and Alabama, and found a faint spelling of North Nebrichigan.

       We interviewed several citizens, none of which were aware of the situation, but were extremely defensive for their home. Investigators refused to give me more information on the scene, probably because they are now under the impression that I am a bagel slapping news reporter, who is dangerous when around “Whole Wheat Bagels.” Pfft, weirdos, it was just once -_-. More information will be released once I prove a point to our dependent investigators… 🙂

th (10)

TODAY’s NEWS: Mustache Run Away? Or Sleep Shave?

On Friday November 8th, 2013, police received word about an atrocious incident in a small state called North Nebrichigan. “I-I woke up a-and it was gone!” Cried Timmy Richardson, the victim of this tragic story, “Not a-a trace left of it!”

At 9:43 a.m., Timmy claimed that the mustache, which took him nearly 10 years to grow, had been stolen. He has asked to remain anonymous when it comes to detail, but told us his stolen love was a brown, fluffy, “handle bar” mustache that made him sneeze every 10 minutes. He said since he had been asleep the whole time, he was just as clueless as the police.

“I have proof that it was stolen!” Timmy had claimed after the police questioned him, “you see, when I woke up this morning the front door was open, and my house was no longer bright yellow, it was now an ugly green! I also heard screams of disgust as neighbors passed the rose garden in the front, and now everyone thinks I have the ugliest color house in the neighborhood!”

“This is getting out of hand. Why does my boss give me all the difficult, serious, and tragic cases?” One officer asked himself during the interview. No one could really believe the man at first, but then he led the officers to some real evidence, which caused “misunderstood” commotion.

Timmy said he had a computer in his office down in the basement that recorded security footage overnight, but even he was shocked by the results of the video. According to witnessing officers, Timmy Richardson shaves in his sleep, and paints his house.

“I’ve never seen something as serious as this, but I think we have a sleep shaver on our hands. What I don’t understand is why he would paint such an ugly color on his house in his sleep.” One officer remarked, “I understand he can sleep shave while painting a house, but since he’s already multitasking, shouldn’t he have gone to a late night paint shop and get himself a better color? Like maybe tan?”

Other officers noticed that multitasking in North Nebrichigan is illegal, and arrested Mr. Richardson immediately after footage was shown. Timmy tried to explain to them that it was all a misunderstanding, but evidence proves otherwise.th (1)

(We’ll keep you updated as the situation progresses :D)

TODAY’s NEWS; Bagels or Donuts?

A crisis has struck the Stepp household. At least, Amanda, one of the daughters thinks so. This morning at approximately 10:25 a.m. in Los Angeles, CA, Amanda Stepp discovered that the doughnuts, once happily ensconced in the kitchen, have now disappeared. Experts say that the cause of this tragedy is a mistake that can never be corrected. “I think someone ate them…” one expert proposed as a hypothesis.

“I am glad to still have bagels in our fridge for the morning,” said Amanda in a weeping tone, “Although those are going extinct as well. Whoever is responsible for this horrifying kitchen catastrophe will be cut to only one doughnut and one – half bagel a week!”

The police were called almost immediately after the tragedy struck. Police remarked that this is one of the most unsolvable, horrifying cases known to police records in the state of California.

“If this happens again,” states Barack Obama in an interview with a group of reporters, “I will have bakeries ban all doughnuts and bagels in the United States.”

The reaction from Amanda was awful and unbearable, but after she collapsed from crying in response to Obama’s words, she was taken to the hospital for a checkup.

th(This report will be updated as events unfold…:0)